How to Survive Cancer ...Holiday 2014 Post

I have started this post many times and I find myself uncharacteristically speechless.  I usually always have something to say about everything :).

I have said this many times however for me cancer seems like a schizophrenic process.  Because I have been doing this for so many years with so much medical stuff...on this day I can not believe that I am still here.

Leiomyosarcoma is so very rare however not to me as I have met hundreds of people that have passed from it.  Currently I am watching a wave of folks I know that are slipping away.   I can do nothing.

I can live with cancer if it can live with me.  I say that so often.   If I die cancer so do you.

However you have so much been in the way of my "normal" life.  You cancer are my secret life...the one I do not discuss personally very often anymore.   You are the one that often takes the wind out of my sails.  You are the one I hate every day since 2001 and I want to kill you.  I do not know how.   I have tried everything....everything....that I can reasonably think of other than hanging upside down by my toes in the middle of the night.

And yet I am still here and functioning well enough....after about 20 surgeries, chemo, ports, pic lines...lung tubes etc I am still here.  I was in the hospital when both my parents died and/or were dying.   My ex husband passed away.  I arranged my Mom's funeral from my hospital bed years ago.

I have moved and lived all over Southern California since 2008 on purpose and met so many amazing people.   It has been quite a journey.

I have a little news for you cancer.  Don't waste anymore of my time.   I know that you are sitting in the wings.   I see you.   I feel you everyday.  I am done with you for now.   What will you do next? Take a long break I hope.   A few years  would be nice.   I could get a lot done in that time.....and play with my kids.

I need to start and finish a few things.   I need to chill out from food poisoning a couple of weeks ago ....I thought that was you trying to kill me.   Ugh.  PTSD....LOL....

My friends struggling with cancer, I wish you love and survival skills like I have.  I wish you time.  I wish you to be pain free and dancing with abandon.   I wish you life!   xoxoxo

Lots of new things on the way.  I am not going anywhere.  Next year I will smile at this blog post as I have since 2001....with wonder and amazement...I did it...I am still here!